vendredi, 05 février 2010

It's been four weeks into the semester. Four more weeks to spring break, and another eight weeks of school until summer break. There's Pilsen, maybe AYO Alumni orchestra, maybe a driver's licence and then Fall semester as a sophomore begins.

Sometimes, while I walk home from the music buildings, I'd wonder what I'll be thinking as I walk down this same road four years later. How far would I have gone in my musical endeavours by the end of four years? Will I make it to a good grad school? Is what I've done today enough to bring me where I want to be?

I'm more than halfway done with frosh year, yet every day I still question (futilely) if UNC were a good decision. Till this day I have not come to terms with the failed expectations. In so many ways I've been disappointed by the people, music and the system. There're so many questions I cannot answer, so many uncertainties, why's and what-if's that get me so upset. I think about these things less now, because the schedule's so packed and I'm squeezing productivity out of every hour possible. But when the thoughts do come - during late night walks home, practice breaks in the silent Kenan basement, meals at odd hours in the dining hall, weekends when my roommate goes home - I get really overwhelmed and, after a session of tears, become really determined to push even further.

A business degree means nothing to musicians, and music is of no value to the business world, so why the heck am I dabbling in a double-degree?
"If you double major in music and something else, you will end up cheating both majors."
I need someone to convince me about the other side of this story, because I'm becoming so uncertain of what I'm doing, and I still don't know what I want with this life. Or, what is attainable.

Perhaps, I'm too used to working hard and getting whatever I want. And I'm also too used to saying Raffles and having the whole world recognise it. Welcome to the not-so-elite world of You-Can't-Have-Everything and Which-School-Do-You-Go-To-Again. Like Josephine said, it's definitely a pride thing. But that, I've gotten over after a while - I don't live to please anyone. But I await the day in my business / music career when people chuck my resume aside simply because it says Kenan-Flagler Business School / UNC Music Department.

I'm tired of this bubble of obliviousness in which the people here live. Everyone is so happy to be here, UNC is such a wonderful school, lists of accolades and wealth of praises, blahblahblah. It probably is a very good school, and I can 勉强 see that if I weren't half as negative/critical/stubborn. But some things mean too much to me that I just cannot forgive the college when it falls short of them. Things like a good conductor and orchestra, a suitable violin teacher, good chamber coaches, a good music peer group.. and when the fundamental "needs" are not met, nothing else, however supplementary, can make up for them.

Well, they are paying for my education, and logically (albeit harshly), you get what you pay for.

 

 

 

On a side note, I officially declare a war against the MUSC132L class.

The stupid class
- that doesn't allow me to use solfege
- that gives me a tone-deaf TA
- AND an obnoxious sorority-girl professor whose jokes are not at all funny
- whose melodic dictations have false accents that make them indecipherable
- where the participation grade is a freaking 30%
- that gave me an A MINUS last semester even though I aced every quiz

IT IS ON.