Tuesday, 01 May 2012

SAVE ME
from exams
from the roommate
from all uncertainty, confusion,
selfish ambition.

 

"If we have not what we desire, we have more than we deserve."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday, 30 April 2012

Played in violin juries this evening -
presented Berg's first movement and Luby was pleased.
The performance felt oddly liberating.
it's like I've learned to play freely in the prison of dystonia;
one has to learn to deal with such things.

Can't study tonight.
Business Law's not processing.
I'm really really confused by the state of things:
flying home in five days and I'm not mentally prepared -
plans are still hanging in the air
and I don't know what to think of everything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday, 22 April 2012

I love Sundays for new reasons.
Wish everyday were a Sunday.
I guess I could try to make it a Sunday (:

Now that left knee's somewhat recovered, I'm reasonably fit to resume running.
But the weather's turned cold and wet! Nooo!
And the pools are closed = double nooo!

Reason for this post:
Am writing (unproductively) a paper critiquing the essay
ImprovisedEmbellishmentinthePerformanceofRenaissancePolyphonicMusic
Lol kidding.
Well, not really - I do have to write it.

But the reason, really, is this:

I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.
I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound.
In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of
facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.

Key #1:
"I have learned"

Key #2:
"the secret"

 

Kk. Talk soon! (:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday, 21 April 2012

 ;

My days approaching finals have been
lacking much motivation ):
Been spending time watching jinnyboytv videos,
scrapbooking and collaging,
packing (!!)
and lamenting the loss of ECP Macs.

So it's official:
I'll be back in Singapore May 8 - August 17!
Looking forward to family time,
yummy food, shopping,
the pool and SUN,
and NO VIOLINING.

Also to travelling, diving,
and a very exciting exploration of faith,
among other things.

SUMMERRRR.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Hallo everybody!
(Barbarella wave)

I owe this blog Singapore Day pictures -
far from comprehensive, but this will give you a glimpse
of the Saturday's colourful surreality in New York!

Regardless of what those naysayers purport,
I think Singapore Day effectively reminded many of us about home,
(notwithstanding its cringe-worthy propaganda).

Ohwell. The good news is: 
HOME I'M GOING for the summer!
Cheers :D

 

Reminder for self:
theme of next collage = FOOD.

Onward, FINALS!! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday, 06 April 2012

So I just got out of an ooVoo video conferencing session
comprising 6 parties -
5 of us siblings and cousins in 4 different states of the US
were tuning in to ??'s funeral service happening in Malacca.

I'm feeling rather empty now because the conference ended abruptly:
first, we got cut off when my brother (holding the laptop with webcam)
followed the service out of the house and hence out of WiFi boundaries =
the 5 of us America-bound students were left staring at each other in awkward silence.
Thankfully, cousins being cousins, we started talking in our homey Chinese-English-mix
and reminiscing about random ?? facts and moments.
All was well until my snoring roommate (most unfortunately) arose from her
8PM-on-a-Friday-evening slumber
and started to shush me most irritably.
(My computer was hooked on an ethernet cable so I couldn't leave the room)
Tried to pretend not to hear - after all I did have my earphones plugged in.
But after a while, her chiding became unbearable and I terminated the conversation.

Best of all, immediately after I stopped, she decided to wake up and carry on with life.
What a beast.

---

 

?? passed away somewhat unexpectedly at 5AM on 3 April 2012.
We'd found out that he had liver cancer during Winter Break, and I'm thankful the family
got to visit Malacca, spend time with him, and eat at his favourite ???.
Nonetheless, the death was sudden, and as much as I'd have liked for him
to have at least had someone next to him at his last breath -
I guess in the way deaths happen in movies -
it was unfortunate that that didn't happen because he was in the bathroom.

I need an avenue to vent my frustrations and this is the only one.
Don't want any pity from friends because everyone's too busy living their lives
(and it should be that way at this stage of life)
so I haven't really talked to anyone about much.

The last few days weren't hard to get through. I maintained going through the motions
of absorbing information in classes, studying for exams, interviewing for internships,
hanging out with friends and playing the violin.

But there would always be those thoughts nagging at me when I wasn't occupied.
Thoughts that I think stemmed from (if I had to spell them out)
guilt, regret, numbness, loss..

Guilt because I can't be home (mom's a complete wreck and
my heart aches so much everytime I see her on Skype; she looks so frail);
Regret because I didn't know ?? well enough
(and now that he's gone, it's too late - and what's worse,
I try to read his blog and his facebook posts and what people write about him,
but everything's in Chinese so it takes ages for me to get through the material,
and even then, I can barely grasp the gist of anything)
I didn't know he was Christian, I never played the violin properly for him
(I only remember him coming into the room and I'd practise with my back facing him
because I was self-conscious)
I never really really talked to him about anything beyond the superficial..
(My self-censorship alarms are ringing relentlessly -
BUT I know I need to record all this down and I will.)
Numbness because life at Chapel Hill still has to go on,
(only now more than ever I feel trapped in some sort of "other world" and I can't escape it)
Loss because I realise I'll never be able to ? "??" again
and that he's really gone forever and I'll never ever see him or hear his voice again.

And a state of disorientation and helplessness the result
of all these thoughts whirling in my head each time I don't make a conscious effort to suppress them.

I guess I'm also extremely confused by my feeble and inconsistent attempts to
pray and thank and talk to some sort of imaginary higher being
in half-hearted hopes that I'd someday arrive at some sort of spiritual milestone.
There're all these "signs" and a deluge of information coming at me
and I don't know what I believe in or dare to think now.

And then of course there's my HK roommate
who has become so intolerable that I'm absolutely miserable in her presence now.
With her completely erratic sleeping habits (all lights have to be turned off and everyone has to absolutely quiet or risk getting told off),
cringe-worthy diet (she's been single-handedly emptying full containers of Jif peanut butter every week that I've actually lost count)
and utter frivolity in every sense of the word possible (I could literally go on forever about this one),
she's officially become the living embodiment of my worst-feared (and hence most revolted) first-world failures.

 

 

---

Okay, I'm done.
Sorry for the verbal diarrhea -
tomorrow will be a better day;
it always is.

I'm so thankful for family and friends.
Happy Easter too.